Cloudy Day

I am a worker, close to part-time rather than full-time. I am working, but I am not really using anything I have learned from my studies. I may say I am a young worker with some experience, but not much enough to definitely jump-start in the field I have studied at the university. I am feeling a bit inadequate to look for a full-time job in my predilection field, mostly because when I do look for any job offer, I feel I am not specialized enough, or I do not have enough experience, or I would need to move at the very end of our big country, with no certainty of having a better find than here. Moreover, my schedule is quite random. It is released once per month, and I feel I would not be able to have a second part-time job with a second boss who would be nice enough to get to understand my crazy schedule. It is not because I do not want to work, quite the opposite actually. I thought, also, to start freelancing, but that too is quite risky when you are an almost inexperienced professional with no contact nor clients. (And I am not even talking about the nightmare of taxes for autonomous worker here.)

When I am not working, I am only thinking over and over about my life situation, and I just go on counting and budgeting and thinking some sort of strategy for my next move, whether personal or professional. By doing this, though, I am not going forward in anything. It just gets me worried of all, and by mid-afternoon, I am exhausted. I feel I am being pulled and pushed from side to side. I know I should probably worry less and do more. However, it is easier said than done. I know I could enjoy a bit more my free time, but since a  hamster has taken home in my mind, it is quite extreme sports to focus on simply one thing when my life is somehow jeopardized.

As a young adult coming from a family now broken and also as a unique daughter, the confidence to face the world of today is close to zero. I have been told all my life to study, that work  should not interfere in my grades, that I am smart, beautiful, nice, and well-behaved. But still, in the end, as I enter adulthood for real, I feel totally clueless, inadequate, untrained, lonely. The time of innocence is long gone. I have to face reality. And these days, my life is crowded by clouds and storms. I just try to keep it over the water all in all.

I know what I just wrote down is not only a sad young mid-twenties’ life. I know there are others out there claiming the very same. I just hope other generations will be smart enough to face what they have given us: a very restricted lifestyle choice with bitter aftertaste.

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